I have a job now!

http://www.coastlandwood.com/

I am a production laborer.  I wear hi-vis clothing,  a hard hat, earmuffs, safety glasses, gloves, boots and a carabiner with a lock and key on it.


It is 3:43 pm, I've just woken up after a set of night-shifts.

I am getting dressed to go down to smitty's  and have some breakfast.
"coffee and water"
"over-easy, two and two, shredded (burnt, no green stuff) and sourdough"
"just a packet of honey please"
"thanks,  5 back" (or "thanks, 2 back")


More often than not my "haircuts" are just me taking a buzzer to my head with no mirror and no guard.

These blog posts are oft disjointed and nonsensical: perfect for me.

I can smile, and I try to have a good time.
I do fall prey to my own foul moods and mindsets though.
I have a foul worldview.


I play league.

I depart now for breakky, and when I return, I hope to write more, but will probably shotty/league until "dead".

...should have just left it be...

I am a piece of shit. I should be somehow magically fixing my crappy resume (can't polish shit).

Instead, I copy out a couple hours of regrettable texting:

Yesterday:

"

Me: I don't hate you.  I still think about you a lot, and I hate how everything turned out, but I don't hate you. I am sorry for some of the shit I said, I was really angry when I said it, and it was some stupid shit.  I still don't want to see you, or hear from you pretty much ever again, but I want you to know I AM sorry for the things I said. 

"

(I  SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT IT BE.  WHY DID I HAVE TO TEXT HER!?)

Today:

"

11:45am 

A:

All the shit between us hasn't broken our bond and it probably won't break no matter what we say or do.  You texting me is proof of that. I don't want to talk to you either frankly but that doesn't change history or the fact that I care for you. You've been on my mind and I was going to message you. Obviously you got the message. Let's keep it in that medium.  I'm still not sorry. Don't hate it, just figure out what the point of it all is.

"

"

11:58am

C:

Oh, I hate it, and I sure as hell wish you never texted back. Thanks for removing my last two friends.

"

"

12:03pm

C:

Now about all I want from you is satisfaction of curiousity.  What WAS it you were going to say? -all of that REAL shit you were gonna tell me? I'm infinitely curious. I'm also curious to know whether or not you cared Jordan was/is in a relationship. Please. Be honest.

"

"

12:19pm

A:

I didn't know he was in a relationship. And don't deceive yourself and blame me for your loss of friendship, that was entirely up to you and your reactions. I never remember lobbying against you.

"

"

12:21pm

C:

Answer the fucking question. What were those heavy, real words you were going to say if I didn't back off? I want to know.

"

"

12:25pm

A:

Why? So you have some excuse to be angry? Your back peddling (pedalling) attitude over everything you face in life is on my list of grievances. You're still trying to pull me down to your level. I'll be willing to talk about it when you decide to rise to my arena of discussion and show some interest in progress.

"

"

12:26pm

A:

And remember I owe you nothing.

"

"

12:27pm

C:

Fuck you, Alexis. You broke my heart and rubbed it in my face, and you're not sorry; most likely because of all this shit on your 'list', and you won't even tell me what the fuck it is I'm doing wrong... You're trying to doom me.

"

"

12:32pm

C:

But seriously if you don't even like me, why is it you won't tell me? Trying to spare my feelings? I doubt it. You want me to repeat these mistakes?  I want to doubt that.

"

"

12:33pm

C:

Fuck you, you high and mighty bitch. Remember before when you needed a reality check?  Thanks for returning the favour.

"

"

12:34pm

A:

I never rubbed anything in your face. You were the one smear campaigning the whole thing. You broke my heart long ago and more than once. I'm not sorry because I didn't do anything wrong. You are so self absorbed that you think it was an act of spite when in reality it had absolutely nothing to do with you. When did I say I didn't like you? Can we stay in reality please?

"

"

12:35pm 

A:

I would love nothing more than to help you. But you show no signs of truly wanting that.

"

"

12:35pm

C:

Okay. Reality is I wish I never met you. Also I never smeared shit. YOU just listened to Jordan, just like the other bitch.  I had no right to get mad, right?  All my fault.

"

"

12:37pm

C:

Fuck you, write the list and mail it then. I want to know. If my time spent with you will be anything but wasted, tell me all my faults, please.  PS: your holier than thou shit is getting old.

"

"

12:38pm

A:

I don't owe you a thing.

"

"

12:39pm

C:

Yeah, I didn't say you did. I said for me to get ANYTHING OUT OF THOSE 2 YEARS, I want to know all the shit you're holding over my head.  Don't text back. Think about it. Why would you NOT tell me...?

"

"

12:41pm

A:

How about you think of what I got out of those 2 years? Remind me because it is getting easier and easier to forget.

"

"

12:44pm

C: 

Hey, fuck you then. Fine. I really and truly do wish I never net you. God damn....  fuck you fuckyoufuckyou God damn, I was such an Idiot. FUUUUUUUUUCKYOU!

"

"

12:47pm

A: You seriously worry me you know that? Please think harder before engaging in this type of shit with me. You will look back and feel  foolish. If you ever want to talk to me rather than swear at me and demand things from me, I'll be listening. Until then keep it real bro.

"

"

12:49pm

C:

Hey, your holy highness, fuck you. You are not some fucking saint. God damn. I changed my mind. I hate you,  how could I ever like someone like you.  PS: I hate your singing voice.

"

"

12:53pm

A:

HAHAHAHAHA I should post this on the INTERWEB. ANON would get a kick out of your temper tantrum!

"

"

12:53pm

C:

Really Alexis? think about that for a second.

"

"

12:55pm

A:

What? Gonna retaliate with sexy picture of me?  Win/Win for the net!

"

"

12:55pm

C:

Wtf Alexis, I deleted that shit. Even non nudes. Do you really think I am like than :(

"

"

12:56pm

C:

Really though, just send the fucking 'list'. If you are such a bigger, better, holier person than I, why are you trying to aggravate/escalate things with me? you just sent a prod/poke. What, are you enjoying this? because all i fucking wan-(sent mid sentence)

"

"

12:58pm

C:

By the way, as far as the incident, I directly told all three of you personally that I was pissed, in my own way.

No fucking smearing, no harassing. Jordan got both of you convinced of that for some reason. Nonetheless, please just send the list so I can forget about you.

"

"

12:58pm

A:

I'm just laughing because you're sooooooo fucking wound up right now. I wouldn't post anything online because that's ridiculous. I'm just matching your low-blows. As if my singing voice is relevant at all. You're being so silly all I can do is be silly too.

"

"

12:59pm

C:

Hello? I wanted to tell you a truth, unshielded by B.S. like trying to save feelings. I think you suck at singing. send the list.

"

"

1:00pm

C:

Most of all, realize that anything you send that isn't what I request (the 'list') is just fuelling the fire/ dragging this out. Be the bigger person then.

"

"

1:03pm

A: 

Guess what?  I will never do what you demand of me. Ill say it again, obviously it's not registering: I owe you nothing. I already am the bigger person. I'll grant you something though, I'l stop dragging this out. Peace.

"

"

1:07pm

C:

Fuck you. That's like if I knew how to really help you out, told you, then didn't.

"

"

1:10pm 

A:

I'll do it in my own terms. Why should I even try though really? Our whole relationship had a theme of me wanting to help you. You wouldn't take my help then when I could have benefit both of us so why should I help you now when it poses no benefit to me at all?

"

"

1:11pm

C:

Because that is what being a good person is about. Stop texting me back. PLEASE.... I hate this so much.

"

"

1:12pm

A:

It's like giving charity to a beggar. The money could help them, but you're never sure if it's going to go towards a good or fuelling their addiction

"

"

1:12pm

C:

Wow, you are a real bitch.

"

"

1:12pm

A: 

I never claimed to be a good person.

"

"

1:13pm

C: 

And knowing this now, I wish I never looked at you twice.

"

"

1:13pm

A:

You want the truth?? Then you call me a bitch?? Why would I fuel that??? It's a goddamn joke!

"

"

1:14pm

C:

Alexis, umad. put down the phone, this is directionless energy.

"

"

1:15pm

A:

Hahahahahajhajhagsyv haha k I said I would stop. hahsha so funny. Golden. Really is. Ok. peace out.

"

"

1:20pm

C:

Last word battle? Ok. I can do that, this is my last text. please, go ahead  and be mad at me.  use that and think about everything that is wrong with me, please just somehow write it down. Mail it, text it,  fuckit-put it on facebook, just make it so I can fucking know, Please.

"

"

1:20pm

A: 

OK one more thing. Maybe you can learn a lesson from the way Cameron handled you and I getting together which might I add was  far more devastating than me n Jordan having a casual romp.

"

"

1:21pm

C:

You try to cut me, you don't care how much. Now quickly text back again and get the last word.

"

"

1:22pm

C:

You know a common factor in all those stories? you flitting from guy to guy like a coldhearted slut.

"

"

1:24pm

C:

YOU are the catalyst, YOU are the bearer of life.YOU are the one who tangled up the web, opening her legs left, then right, then center, then left again, then somewhere else entirely. You look at your own history.  I've known you for all of it.

"

"

1:26pm

C:

Just because I want to know, and I make you hate me, doesn't mean you shouldn't help me anyways.

But hey. Ball is in your court.

"

"

1:32pm

C:  

haha  'it probably wont break no matter what we say or do', eatin' those words?  I'd say that bond broke pretty damn quick there.

"

"

1:33pm

A:

I still feel it. Don't you?

"

"

1:34pm

C:

hah. whatever I do feel I wish I didn't. Bond? more like messy history and the old glued-paper-ripped-paper analogy they used to teach us in school.

"

"1:36pm

C:

I hope you do tell me, I really do. That's all I'm fighting for here.

"

"

1:37pm

A:

My paper is colourful with lots of fancy lines and a few dark sports. Has a shiteload of character. Maybe you will see it in a gallery someday.  Of course you'll be in my acknowledgements.

"

"

1:38pm

C:

... I don't like you at ALL. PLEASE GO AWAY

"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

... well shit.

End of post, so far.

I am curious as to the contents of the lost blog...

Hello.

I exist.

I do not like my avenues for meeting people.

I am short-sighted, with tunnel-vision,(metaphorically) and a no-can-do attitude.
^this is probably why I don't meet people.

I meet people:
at work,
through friends (while blazing),
not often,
that's about it.

My blog posts are usually depressing.  I wouldn't read this shit, except it is written by my own flesh and blood; my own self.  Fuck me.

I need a mirror by my bed,  so every morning when I wake up, I can look myself in the face and say, "Fuck YOU!".

-----


I am re-reading all my blog entries. I am at November 2006 currently.
I used to get really baked, apparently.




I just read all of them... 


I don't think I really learned much.  Except, perhaps, that I can forget things pretty hard, to the point of puzzlement at some of the references I had made.



My clickity clacking keyboard is probably disturbing the slumber of my roommates.

I guess I shall stop now,
although I do not feel drawn to my bed.

I think I'd like a hug right now.

I hope I go and give my mother a hug tomorrow(today)((later))

I hate,
I smoke,
I make minimum wage and don't even get full time.
FML, I need to learn to not give a fuck and enjoy my time here.

EOP

It has been a while...  I have lived: at my parents house, on st george, kinda at departure bay, at my parents again (facepalm), on spencer, less than a month on howard, kinda at fourth st, on joanna, and now I live on rosstown.  I am happy to live on Rosstown road. I had before in my residence searching thought to myself, 'I want to live on rosstown, price is right, quality is right, location is good...

\\

Now I do.

I live here in an upstairs 3-bed suite, with Joshua and Willow.

The kitchen is cool, it has a pass-through counter, an in-wall oven, and a lot'o'cupboards.

My room starts to smell if you leave the door and window closed.  I hate it.  

I have baking-soda-vacuumed the carpets, febreezed the shit out of it, smudged the room with sage, wiped down the wallpaper with fabric softener sheets, and still, if it isn't constantly aired out, it smells!

Yarg!

I still cannot do handstand pushups or planches.

I can do about 10 pistol squats on each leg, although my balance and my form get very messy when I am close to maxing out.

I can curl 35 pounds now like I could the 20 pounders when I was younger.    I want bigger weights, but I do not want to shell out a buck a pound for fixed weight sizes.   I have not found a cheap multi-weight set in the range I am looking for, either.

My shoulder clicks when I do pushups now.  It started doing that last summer, when Joshua and I did shit-tonnes of pushups, every day.

Every time I try to tan my waist or thighs they get ridiculous sun-rashes that itch like hell.

I wish I had become a nudist when I was younger so my skin would not have grown so accustomed to not having direct sun exposure.

Possible goal for this life-time: bronze buns. heh.

So,  Alexis dumped me.  We went on for about 2 years.  She wants to re-center herself. (is it really always spelled centre, or is this spellcheck just biased?) 

I figure she just wants to re-center herself on a new dick, but that is just a little bit of jealousy and undue resentment on my part. It has gotta go somewhere, why not in this blog no-one reads. Better here, than stuck in my head; rattling around when I try to go to bed.

This happened about a month ago.

I had been fairly sexually neglected for about a month previous to that.

I was just bursting with hormones and horniness.

I had to go get laid.

I did.

A friend of mine helped me out.

\

Thanks.

I needed that.

/

Anyways, now that my head is clearer, I realize that I have still really gotten - fucking gotten is a word!? - nowhere in life. 

Yet.

... I need to figure my shit out.

I don't need companionship, but I do need a fucking career.

Companionship is a helpful hindrance.

Oh well.

I am currently sitting at the table, in the (carpeted dining area) living room/doorway to deck. I am eating a honey and peanut butter on toast sandwich, and drinking orange pekoe tea. I spend a lot of time at this table; doodling, reading, eating, chillaxing.  

I am currently using Willows notebook to write this.

Thank-you Willow!

I need want to get a computer of my own; to start collecting pictures, music, videos, programs, and the like. I would also like to get an Ipod, or some kind of music device, so I can have music with me, wherever I go.

I lack the motivation, determination, and self-control necessary to accomplish anything.

I have a shitty job, and I am getting nowhere.  While I may have twenty or thirty hours in a week allotted to work, I still consider myself to be "idle hands"; maybe idle mind.  I don't know.  But I do suspect it lends towards causing trouble.  I am bored, disenfranchised, and able-bodied.

Give me something to break.

I have been reading lately.  I do not thoroughly enjoy my reads, as I did, reading when I was younger.

I seem to have misplaced some of my books.  A large portion of my David Eddings collection is missing, including 'The Redemption Of Althalus', which is the book I would like to read. That is how I noticed they were missing.

I go and pour myself my fifth cup of tea, maybe the sixth, over-all for today.
I have started finding ants in the kitchen. Only ever one at a time, though.  I just took the last one outside.  It is time to clean the floors again.  I hope someone will help me this time, because I don't want to set a standard of cleaning up after other people in situations I do not want to.  I'll do your dishes, sure, but you better leave them fucking rinsed and stacked. If you clusterfuck the sink, and leave it for me to deal with if I want to use it, I may just revert to messy house mode, not give a fuck, and just pile on top of it and start cleaning nothing. hmmm, that ranted a little, didn't it.  

I guess I was trying to say, don't leave things fucked and messy, just so I have to clean it out of desperation to stop the quality of life in the house from dropping. clean the floor when you make a mess. etc. 

Maintenance.

I hate everything.

Maybe.

I should end this post.

I still have not quit smoking,

I still have a shitty job,

I still have little hope.

EOP.

- foo

wretch

dear world.

i am a wretch.
i am in my prime, most free and unhindered.

young and fit.

and i am a wretch.

in my days off i mope about, and cannot even take care of myself.

ofttimes i proclaim 'if only a bullet, for my head!'

EOP